It may be better if this isn’t posted publicly. I am 30 and have always loved Islam and enjoyed Da’wah work. Around 10 months ago some doubts creeped in (too complicated to explain) plus a fear of responsibility and the future; now I feel I have totally lost my faith and my humanity. Because these doubts creeped in when I was listening to Islamic material, I unfortunately blamed this on my religion and even on Allah (swt) astaghfirullah and so began to do everything to oppose my faith and now I think I have ill feelings towards Him (swt). I have said and done horrible things no one can imagine. I attempted suicide many times to escape this world and one of these attempts put me in the hospital (to this day all I want is to die). I have become so stubborn that I don’t listen to anyone. I recently married and then thought of divorcing my wife before she became pregnant to avoid more responsibility, and I even said this to her when she told me she was pregnant because my reaction was fear
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that none is worthy of worship except Allah and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and messenger.
First of all, know that the door of Allah is always open and does not close in the face of anyone, and that Allah is Most Merciful and Most Generous and He forgives all sins no matter how great they are.
Therefore, no matter how great your sins are, return to Allah and ask Him for forgiveness and have trust in His Generosity and think good of Him.
Hence, you have to repent to Allah quickly and become upright on His obedience.
As for your thoughts and whispers, then you have to strive against them and seek to get rid of them. You should know that they will not harm you as long as you hate them and repel them.
As for shouldering responsibility, then having trust in Allah and believing in Him will help you in this, as well as your knowledge that it is Him Alone Who facilitates every difficulty.
We advise you to consult a trustworthy psychiatrist.
We ask Allah to protect you and keep you safe from every misfortune and temptation.
For more benefit on suicide, please refer to Fataawa 8676, 22853, 377509, 305578 and 34194.
Allah Knows best.