Praise
be to Allah
Firstly:
For a man to be
attracted to a woman and vice versa is something that Allah has caused to be
quite natural in people, so that the human race might be perpetuated and not
cease to exist on earth until Allah, may He be exalted, decrees, and so that
an atmosphere of comfort and tranquillity may be created within the family.
Allah, may He be
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And of His
signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find
tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed
in that are signs for a people who give thought”
[ar-Room 31:21].
So a man is not
to be blamed for feeling an attraction towards women.
Ibn al-Qayyim
(may Allah have mercy on him) said:
There is no
blame on one who feels love towards women; rather this is a sign of perfect
manhood.
End quote from
ad-Daa’ wa’d-Dawaa’ (p. 552).
This means that
this inclination is a sound manly characteristic.
It was narrated
that Anas said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon
him) said: “Women and perfume have been made dear to me, and my comfort is
in prayer.” Narrated by an-Nasaa’i (3940); classed as saheeh by al-Albaani
in Saheeh Sunan an-Nasaa’i (3940).
If a man finds
himself attracted to a non-mahram woman outside the framework of marriage,
it may be difficult for him to rid his heart of that. Hence Islamic
teachings dictate keeping away from anything that could lead to this kind of
attraction and taking precautions to prevent it happening in the first
place.
Infatuation and
attraction do not usually develop in the heart except because of letting
one’s gaze wander freely; failing to lower the gaze and refrain from looking
at that which is prohibited; and doing that which strengthens this
infatuation, such as listening to haraam songs, reading or watching love
stories, letting one’s thoughts wander, and letting the infatuation take
root, especially if one’s heart is spiritually weak and devoid of
remembrance of Allah, may He be exalted.
Ibn al-Qayyim
(may Allah have mercy on him) said:
The steps that
lead to infatuation are under one’s control, and what is required is to
avoid them. Looking, harbouring thoughts and exposing oneself to
circumstances in which one may fall in love are all voluntary matters (that
should be avoided), but once one takes those steps, then what results from
that is something that a person has no control over.
It is like the
intoxication that results from drinking alcohol: if consuming the intoxicant
is something voluntary, what results from it of intoxication becomes beyond
one’s control. As the means that led to that state was something that the
individual chose and was not forced to do, he is not to be excused from what
results from it that is not under his control. If the means is haraam, then
the intoxicated person is not excused.
No doubt looking
repeatedly and dwelling on thoughts is like drinking an intoxicant, so the
individual is to be blamed for not keeping away from that which led to this
outcome.
End quote from
Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (p. 225).
Indeed, in some
cases a person may be excused and is not to blame for what arises in his
heart of attraction and infatuation. This applies if there was no unlawful
action on his part, such as if the attraction comes about as a result of an
accidental glance, or if he is married to a woman and loves her, but she
does not love him and wants a divorce from him, and ends up divorced, but
his heart remains attached to her. In this case he is not to be blamed.
Ibn al-Qayyim
(may Allah have mercy on him) said:
If infatuation
occurs due to a cause that is not prohibited, then the individual is not to
be blamed, such as one who loves his wife then divorces her, but continues
to love her and thinks constantly of her. In that case there is no blame on
him.
Similarly, if an
accidental glance occurred, then he averted his gaze; love may take root as
a result of that, without him wanting it to. But he has to try to resist it
and try to avert it by means of something contrary to it. But if he is
overwhelmed by that love, then there is no blame on him, provided that he
strove hard to ward it off.
End quote from
Rawdat al-Muhibbeen (225-226).
Secondly:
When a man finds
himself attracted to a specific woman, then the right things to do is
propose to her, if that is possible in both shar‘i and realistic terms.
One example of
that is when the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him)
intervened for Mugheeth and asked Bareerah to go back to him, after she had
left him. It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbaas that the husband of Bareerah was
a slave called Mugheeth; [Ibn ‘Abbaas said:] it is as if I can see him,
following her around and weeping, with tears flowing down to his beard, and
the Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said to ‘Abbaas: “O
‘Abbaas, are you not amazed at how much Mugheeth loves Bareerah, and how
much Bareerah dislikes Mugheeth?” The Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah
be upon him) said (to Bareerah): “Why don’t you go back to him?” She said: O
Messenger of Allah, are you instructing me to do that? He said: “I am only
interceding for him.” She said: I have no need of him. Saheeh al-Bukhaari
(5283).
If he is not
able to marry her, then in this case he must turn to Allah, may He be
exalted, in order to relieve his distress, and he must be patient and
realise that this is a trial and test from Allah, may He be exalted; if he
bears it with patience, then he will have a great reward.
Shaykh al-Islam
Ibn Taymiyah (may Allah have mercy on him) said:
If a man is
tested with falling in love, yet he maintains his chastity and bears that
with patience, then he will be rewarded for fearing Allah.… It is well known
on the basis of shar‘i evidence that if he refrains from that which is
unlawful in terms of looking, speaking and acting, and he conceals it and
does not speak of it, so as to avoid saying anything that is prohibited –
either by complaining about his problem to people (instead of to Allah), or
by uttering indecent speech, or by seeking to reach his beloved in any way –
and he is patient in obeying Allah and refraining from disobeying Him, and
in putting up with the pain of love in his heart, just as one afflicted by
calamity bears the pain of calamity with patience, then he will be one of
those who fear Allah and are patient: “Indeed,
he who fears Allah and is patient, then indeed, Allah does not allow to be
lost the reward of those who do good”
[Yoosuf 12:90].
End quote from
Majmoo‘ al-Fataawa (10/133)
Thirdly:
With regard to
the verse quoted in the question, and interpreting it as meaning that the
solution for love and attraction to the opposite gender before marriage is
either to propose or to conceal the matter until Allah decides concerning
it, this verse was actually revealed concerning the rights of the woman who
is observing ‘iddah following the death of her husband; it is permissible
for one who wants to propose to her to hint at marriage, but not to state
his proposal clearly, and it is also permissible for him to think to himself
that when her ‘iddah is over, he will propose to her.
We see no reason
why the verse cannot also be understood as meaning what you mentioned. If
someone feels love in his heart for a woman, then he should propose to her,
and if there is any reason why he should not propose to her, then there is
no blame on him if he thinks to himself that when the impediment is removed,
he will propose to her.
But that is on
condition that he does not agree with her to do something unlawful, or do
anything unlawful with her, because Allah, may He be exalted, says
(interpretation of the meaning): “…except for saying a proper saying”.
So it is not
permissible for him to say to her anything that is contrary to the teachings
of Islam.
The one who
expresses his love and infatuation to the one whom he loves has not spoken
in a proper manner; rather he has spoken in an inappropriate manner, and has
raised the hope of the other party that he will keep in touch. If he is not
able to marry her, then the matter is worse in this case, and as a result of
that the Shaytaan will be toying with them; if the door to what is lawful is
closed, there is nothing left but what is unlawful!
But if he is
able to marry her and wants to marry the girl, then he should make it clear
and propose to her through her guardians.
And Allah knows
best.