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Married a Second Wife and Became Careless of His First

 
Question:

AssalaamualaikumI am a 35yr old revert who has known my husband for 21yrs. We have been married for 14yrs. We have 4children. The eldest is a hafith. We have an Islamic school. In our society almost everyone looks up to us. My husband is my best friend. My parents, family abandoned me because of my marriage to him. They were not present at our wedding. 3yrs ago my husband decided to marry a 2nd wife. I felt betrayed but because of the love I have for him I supported him. The marriage didn’t work. He married another one. I still supported him even though I would cry everyday. This one has also ended. He has now married another one again 2mths ago. Despite my immense sadness I still support him. Whenever he marries a 2nd wife I always live with my cowife under the same roof because that is his desire. I currently live with my new cowife who is a teacher in our school. Despite my jealousy, I try my best to be kind to her and to fear Allah. My problem is my husband. I had the best husband in the world but now his changed. His not interested in romance and love anymore. His only 37yrs old. He says his gone off kissing. I always felt I have the most loving, caring and romantic husband but not anymore. Even when I try to play with him he says its too childish. These are things that we always used to do. He leaves me unsatisfied and doesn’t make me feel like a woman anymore. I try to explain to him but he doesn’t want to listen. He says I need to snap out of the jealousy, childishness. I do feel jealous but I accept Allah put polygamy in my life. What makes it difficult is that the affectionate husband I knew has now changed. I need his love and affection now more than ever. I feel because he has another wife who is 10yrs younger than me his not interested in me as a woman anymore that’s why he doesn’t care about my needs as a woman. I feel lost, sad, out of place. I have always obeyed him. Now when I try to tell him my feelings he says im disobedient. I want him to be happy with me. I love him so much for Allahs sak

Answer:

All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.

First of all, we congratulate you for the blessing that Allah granted you, which is embracing Islam; this is indeed the greatest blessing that He has bestowed upon you.

We ask Allah to improve the relationship between you and your husband, and make you live with him in happiness in this worldly life, and to gather you with him on the Day of Resurrection in Paradise, the eternal bliss and everlasting happiness.

You did not ask us a specific question, but in general, we would like to say to you that your husband is Islamically obliged to have good marital relations with you. He should be kind to you, affectionate and treat you in a good manner. All these meanings are included in the Saying of Allah (which means): {And live with them in kindness.} [Quran 4:19]

He is wrong in describing your jealousy or your desire to play with him as childish.

The wife’s jealousy proves that she loves her husband. In addition, such jealousy is natural in women and some wives of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, were jealous and he did not forbid them from that or reacted aggressively because towards their jealousy.

Your husband should follow the example of the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, as he is the best leading example. ‘Aa’ishah, may Allaah be pleased with her, narrated that she was on a journey along with the Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam; she said: “I had a race with him (the Prophet) and I outstripped him on my feet (running). When I became fleshy (gained weight), (again) I had a race with him (on another journey) and he outstripped me. He, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, said: “This (one) is for that outstripping.” [Abu Daawood]

The Prophet, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, also used to say: “The best amongst you, are those who are best (in treatment) to their wives, and I am the best to my wives.” [At-Tirmithi and Ibn Maajah]

Therefore, you should endeavor to advise him, in light of what we have said, in addition to being patient with him. Supplicate Allah to rectify him, as the hearts of the slaves are in the Hands of the Lord of the Worlds and He changes them as He wishes.

For more benefit on the virtues of supplication and the most suitable times when supplications are most likely answered, please refer to Fatwa 92363.

Allah knows best.

 

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