My question is regarding a past event in my life which I greatly regret. About 13 years ago, when I was unmarried I became involved in a haram relationship with an athiest person (he was originally non-Musilm, Hindu). Unfortunately he made me confused about my deen and tried to pursue me to athiesm by criticizing Islam. One day, he even made a very nasty and vulgar remark about Allah SWT which I do not dare to write. I listened to him and did not protest although I felt uncomfortable. Some days later, Allah guided me and I made tawba and cut all relation with this dirty person. I later repented and islamically married a good man. In recent times, I feel so ashamed that I was involved in such filth that I want to kill myself. I feel like there is no forgiveness for me because I tolerated insult of Islam and sometimes also co-operated in criticizing Islam. Now even if I repent, is there anything more that I should do? As killing is the penalty of insulting Allah, should I go and try to kill this person? We don’t live in a country of Sharia rule. If I complain to legal authorities about him, I don’t have any proof as I was the only witness of him saying this in private and it was 13 years ago. Moreover he lives in Germany now and I will have difficulty to track him down when he returns to our country and take any actions against him. People including my family may misunderstand me. I don’t want to mention those filthy words to anyone but I must do if I file a case or publicize it. I have a 4 yrs old baby and also pregnant now. So what will be their future if I go kill this man? I have no such experience so probably will end up in jail by trying to harm this person. Will I be forgiven by Allah if I just forget about this terrible incident by repenting and returning to Allah? I want to carry a normal life but this guilt and tensions are killing me. Please help me.
Answer:
All perfect praise be to Allah, The Lord of the Worlds. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger.
Since you have repented from this matter, then you should rejoice at the acceptance of your repentance by Allah, The Exalted, as He is The Forgiving, The Merciful.
Allah accepts the repentance of His slaves and pardons their misdeeds. No matter how great the sin is, the pardon of Allah, The Exalted, is greater as He Says (what means): {Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful."} [Quran 39:53]
Our advice to you is to stop thinking about what you had done, forget about it, diligently worship your Lord, obey your husband, and take care of your children. Do not think about this person or seek to harm him and get back at him; for this will incur harm upon you and bring no benefit.
Allah knows best.